


Let's Go Picnic

by Spriingflower



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Angst, Eventual Happy Ending, Fluff and Angst, Friends to Lovers, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Pining, and they were ROOMMATES
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-29
Updated: 2019-05-29
Packaged: 2020-03-29 11:17:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,185
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19018822
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Spriingflower/pseuds/Spriingflower
Summary: Boys are not supposed to sing about other boys like this. So why is it that the wrong words still feel so right to Hyunjin?





	Let's Go Picnic

**Author's Note:**

> A couple of things I'd like to say before you go into this.
> 
> 1) This whole thing has been inspired by Hyunjin almost slipping up and accidentally singing boyfriend instead of girlfriend during a v-live (the clip can be found [here](https://twitter.com/lixchael5/status/1132647354870378497)). On a side note: I don't claim for this to be a character study or anything like that and him mixing up the words doesn't have to mean anything, it just inspired me to write this.
> 
> 2) Homophobia is somewhat of a big topic in this story but it's more like homophobia as a whole concept rather than singular actions against gay people. Though there is one use of the f-slur. This story also contains mentions/implications of a relationship between a minor and an adult. These things have been put into the story as a depiction of the struggles and issues a lot of real lgbt youth face. Please take care.
> 
> 3) Though this does start quite angsty I promise that the ending is sweet so bare with me, please.

Hyunjin doesn't really know when or why he started to change the words to the songs he was mindlessly singing along to. It just felt natural to switch up the pronouns. To turn every girlfriend into a boyfriend but never the other way around. Hyunjin had been singing about boys long before he understood what it meant. And maybe when he first started, it didn't really mean anything to him. It was just what felt right to him. And when his mother drives him to school in the morning with the radio playing idly, the lyrics of Super Junior's U just change to _can't stop thinking 'bout u boy_ and that's the way seven-year-old Hyunjin sings them happily while his mother stays silent. And he really doesn't think about why he does it. He doesn't even really become aware of it until someone makes him notice.

It's a teacher that first points it out to Hyunjin. She looks at him with all the concern she can muster. And Hyunjin knows that look. It's the same one she gives the students that mess up. It's the face she puts on when a child didn't do their homework and she very softly scolds them. Because it's really important that they learn well and do all their homework and she is just concerned about their future. But even though she speaks in such a soft voice and says it with a face as if she is feeling sad for them, her tone sounds so mean. Hyunjin doesn't really like that face on her very much. So when she comes to him during a break to tell him that she heard him sing earlier with that expression on her face he becomes defensive even though he doesn't yet understand why. She told him that she had heard him sing a song in the hallway earlier and that she noticed that he sang it wrong. When she asks him why he did it Hyunjin just shrugs his shoulders and turns away his eyes. And that is when she shakes her head a little before she crouches down to be on eye level with him so she can look at him with all that concern she doesn't really feel. And then she says the words that change how Hyunjin sees himself for years to come.

"Boys are not supposed to sing about other boys like that."

And at that moment he is confused by it because he doesn't understand what she means by _like that._ He's not doing it in any special way. And he doesn't see what's so wrong about it. But he understands that his teacher is upset with him for some reason. And that he must have done something wrong. So Hyunjin stops singing about boys after that. At least out loud. But in his mind, he's still singing along to the wrong lyrics.

 

Hyunjin still doesn't really understand what his teacher meant until he enters middle school. And suddenly the boys he is friends with start talking about girls they like. Which is weird because they used to not like them at all and say that all girls are stupid and annoying just a few months before that. But things changed over the summer. And suddenly they call them cute and pretty and start saying how they want to date them and hold hands and do all sorts of thing with them that maybe they are far too young for yet. But when they ask Hyunjin if there is a girl that he likes he can't answer them. Because Hyunjin doesn't like girls. At least not in the way all of his friends suddenly started liking them. But there is a boy he likes. A cute boy with big hazel eyes and slightly curly black hair who is in his parallel class and draws really pretty pictures. But Hyunjin doesn't tell his friends about him. Because he understands now. Boys are not supposed to like other boys. At least not in this way. Not in the way Hyunjin does. There is something wrong about him. He's singing the songs all wrong. He's got it mixed up. But he can't help it. Even when he tries to sing the right words it just feels wrong to him.

For a while, Hyunjin is really jealous of the girls that his friends start to like. Especially when one of them really manages to confess and go out with the girl he liked. For a while, Hyunjin even thinks that maybe he wants to be a girl as well. But he quickly discards that thought again. He doesn't want to be a girl. He just wants another boy to look at him the way they look at girls. He wants to be called cute and pretty and adorable. He wants a boy to blush and get shy when he looks at him. And he wants to be allowed to giggle and twirl his hair around his fingers and bat his eyelashes at another boy and be flirty with him. Hyunjin doesn't want to be a girl. But maybe things would be so much easier if he had been born as one. Because in his mind he is still singing the wrong words.

 

It takes Hyunjin a couple of years more to understand why he feels that way and that there are words to describe what he is. Homosexual, gay, queer. There are many terms that he finds online. And there are other people that feel the same way. Other boys that dream of holding another boys hand. And they write long emotional posts about how it's okay and that they were born like that and can't change how they feel. But there are just as many people that say that it's wrong. That it's disgusting. And Hyunjin isn't sure which side is right. He's young and confused and his head is all messed up and filled with wrong lyrics to songs that everyone else is singing right. It takes Hyunjin a long time to find a word that he feels fits him and to understand that there are people who feel the same way. But it takes him even longer to really accept it.

He dates a girl for a while when he is fifteen. And he really likes her very much. She is sweet, laughs about all of his terrible jokes and she likes the same k-pop groups as him. On the topic of boy groups, maybe they do add to his awakening as well. At the very least Hyunjin for sure knows that when he spends hours daydreaming about the singer with the edgy hair cut it's not just because he admires him for his skills. And every time he is with his girlfriend, he still feels like something is missing. His palms don't get sweaty when he holds her hand. His heart doesn't skip a beat when she acts cute around him. He doesn't blush when she says that she loves him and when he says it back he doesn't really feel it. Because even when he is kissing her he is still singing _boys, boys, boys_ in his mind.

She breaks up with him three months later and that is when Hyunjin first learns that there are also some very different words for the way that he feels about boys. _Faggot_ is the one she uses. She throws it at his head together with a mix of other angry words and he can only stand there and take it all because she probably has every right to be upset. He really tried to feel the same way about her as she did about him. And he really did like her. But there was always something missing. And she was never more than a friend to him. Because Hyunjin likes boys and even though he is not sure if it's really okay or not he knows for sure that he can't change it.

 

The first time Hyunjin really gets to date another boy he is seventeen and finally coming to terms with who he is. Well, maybe calling him another boy is not quite right. He's a man. Almost five whole years older than Hyunjin at the time. But Hyunjin doesn't know any other gay guys his age. Because all the boys he knows only talk about girls or don't talk at all. But the adults are a little more daring. They are the ones that post in online forums and sign up on dating apps. And that is how Hyunjin meets him. And he doesn't care that maybe it's wrong. Not only because they are both boys but also because he is still a minor and his boyfriend is an adult. But he's lonely and for the first time, he has another boy looking at him like he is the centre of the universe. For the first time, he gets to hold hands with a boy. And for the first time in ages, he dares to sing the wrong words out loud again.

Their relationship doesn't last long. Things soon become awkward once Hyunjin realises how big their age gap really is. It didn't feel like that in the beginning when they were just comfortably talking with each other and having fun together. But he soon realises the uncomfortable age gap when his boyfriend starts to urge him to take their relationship further. Because that's when Hyunjin realises that there are certain things he doesn't want to do yet. Things he doesn't feel ready for yet. But his boyfriend wants them. He never forces Hyunjin to do anything, never actively pressures or coerces him into anything. But the pressure is there. And when it becomes too much for Hyunjin he ends their relationship just a couple weeks before he turns eighteen. A date that his boyfriend seemed to look for to even more than Hyunjin himself did.

Hyunjin graduates that year. And he decides to move to the city to go and study there. Something with music and dance maybe because that's both things he has come to love over the years. But actually, he doesn't care all that much what major he ends up picking. He would even be willing to sit through hours of lectures for a boring business major if that is the only way he can get into one of the big universities. Because he feels like he'll have a better chance of finding other people there that feel the same way. Other boys that sing about liking boys even though they don't dare to say the words out loud. Hyunjin just wants to find some more likeminded people his age. Not necessarily because he wants to date someone, although that may also be part of it. But he just wants someone to talk to. Someone who understands how he feels. Really understands and not just accepts or tolerates. And he feels like the city is a good place to start looking for someone like that.

So that summer after Hyunjin has officially collected his final certificate from his high school he packs his bags and moves to Seoul. And this is where he meets Seungmin.

 

Hyunjin and Seungmin meet through a friend of a friend. Because Hyunjin desperately needs an affordable place to stay at and Seungmin desperately needs a new roommate. So the two complete each other perfectly before they even meet for the first time. And still, it would be an overstatement to say, that they click right away. Hyunjin is actually sure that Seungmin didn't even like him at first. He probably just tolerated him at best. Because on first glance they are pretty much polar opposites. Hyunjin is outgoing and loud and likes to laugh without covering his mouth and gives hugs to all of his friends while Seungmin is reserved, quiet and serious and spends his free time sticking to neat study schedules that he plans out every Sunday evening and then accurately follows throughout the week. Also, Seungmin is really strict about cleaning. From the beginning on he gave Hyunin a set of rules of how and when to clean what and what to do and not to do as long as they were sharing a living space. And honestly, at first, it's a little bit overwhelming. Because Hyunjin is not used to people being so hung up on cleaning. But he is willing to go along with it. Because where else would he find a place like this in the city? The small apartment that they share has two rooms, one for each of them and a bigger room that they use as a mixture between a sort of open kitchen as well as living and eating space. And they have a cramped bathroom that just barely fits a shower with no curtain, a sink and a toilet. Seungmin is very particular about cleaning the bathroom himself because he doesn't trust that Hyunjin would do it right. And even though he could probably take offence to that he doesn't because he has no problem with having one less cleaning thing to worry about. Instead, Hyunjin volunteers to take care of the dishes whenever he doesn't forget about them.

They start getting along eventually. Maybe it's because Hyunjin really makes an effort to stick to Seungmin's cleaning rules and tries to hold back around him and not be too much. And maybe it's because they really do complete each other. They balance each other out. Seungmin is a bastion of calm. He stays silent and listens when Hyunjin has too much to say and the words just keep gushing out of him. And Seungmin lets Hyunjin talk because he understands that Hyunjin is not really looking for advice or someone to comfort him. Sometimes he just needs to get everything off his chest to clear his mind and then continue on as if nothing ever happened. And on the other hand, Hyunjin helps Seungmin unwind when he becomes to stressed with all the pressure that he is putting on himself or when he can't keep up with the schedule he forced himself into. Because Hyunjin doesn't mind goofing around and acting a little silly even though technically he is the older one of the two. But he doesn't feel like it. Doesn't act like it. So Seungmin doesn't have to either.

And after a while, Seungmin even begins accepting hugs from Hyunjin. He allows the taller boy to wrap his arms around his small frame from behind and place his head on his shoulder while he is cooking something for them without even complaining about it aside from some soft grumbling about how his shoulder isn't a headrest and about how it's irritating that Hyunjin is so tall. But he doesn't really complain. He might make some annoyed groans whenever Hyunjin places his head in Seungmin's lap but at the same time, he also begins softly carding his fingers through Hyunjin's dark hair to comb out all the small snarls and tangles.

Hyunjin definitely begins liking Seungmin a lot although he sometimes isn't sure in what way exactly he likes him. Or if he should even allow himself to harbour those kinds of feelings for someone he still has to share an apartment with. But he is definitely comfortable around Seungmin. He feels like he can just be himself. Without having to hide too much of what he thinks or feels. And maybe this is why he starts slipping up and singing the wrong words out loud again.

 

It's a Saturday afternoon and Hyunjin is sitting on their couch cross-legged and with his lecture notes scattered all over the table in front of him. A few have even landed on the floor and he has sworn himself that he would pick them up ten minutes ago but somehow he still hasn't moved a muscle. Which can maybe also be blamed on the cup of lukewarm tea that he is balancing on his right knee. If Seungmin could see him like that he would probably freak out. He already doesn't really like it when Hyunjin is drinking anything while sitting on their couch because it's so hard to clean in case he ends up spilling anything. And if he absolutely must drink something while sitting on the couch Seungmin insists that he should at the very least put the cup down on the table. Preferably with a napkin or something underneath it as a coaster because otherwise, the wooden table will probably get stains on it. But Seungmin isn't here right now and Hyunjin is too lazy to stretch his arm every time he wants to take a sip of his tea. And as long as he's holding still and being careful the cup won't tip over. He's been doing this for long enough to know how to balance a drink on his knee without spilling anything. Everything is fine as long as he doesn't move too much. And moving really is the last thing Hyunjin feels like doing right now. He's trying really hard to focus on his studies but he has been reading the same paragraph over and over again for the last five minutes without really comprehending any of the words. He is tired and all he really wants to do is sit around and do nothing productive. There is a song he has had stuck in his head for the last few days and he quietly hums it while scrolling through his phone, one hand wrapped around his cup just to be extra safe. He's really into softer kind of RnB type of songs these days and there is one he stumbled across a couple of days ago and became infatuated with almost right away. Hyunjin begins softly singing the words under his breath.

"Let's go picnic with a boyfriend", he whisper-sings even though in the original version it is clearly girlfriend. But Hyunjin has long given up on ever getting the words right. He stops when he hears sounds coming from the door and a moment later Seungmin is standing in front of him. His dark hair looks a little poofed up and there are slight bags under his eyes that are well hidden under the thick rim of his glasses but Hyunjin still knows that they are there. Because when Seungmin spots Hyunjin on their couch with the explosion of papers around him and the cup on his knee he only sighs.

"Didn't I ask you to put your cup on the table?", he asks sounding so exhausted that Hyunjin actually feels bad immediately.

"Sorry, couldn't find a coaster and got kind of distracted", he mutters. It's not really a lie. He really didn't find a coaster earlier but he also didn't spend more than 30 seconds looking for one before he decided that he didn't care enough. Seungmin sighs again, a little heavier this time and Hyunjin knows that he is probably about to turn on his heels to get a napkin or something for Hyunjin to put his cup down onto. So Hyunjin quickly downs the rest of his lukewarm tea in one big sip and then jumps up from the couch, sending a few more of his papers flying to the floor. But at least it prevents Seungmin from moving.

"I'm going to put this in the sink now. And I'll do the dishes later", Hyunjin announces. And by now he has figured out Seungmin's body language enough to interpret the way his shoulders slump a little as a sign of relief.

"Thanks", Seungmin mumbles while he runs a hand through his hair and messes it up even more. Hyunjin almost fails to control the urge to pull Seungmin into a tight high and nuzzle his nose into the fluffy hair of the younger boy. Because Seungmin's hair always smells so good. It must be the shampoo he uses. But he always smells so fresh and clean and nice and Hyunjin just wants to bury his nose in that soft hair and inhale Seungmin's scent for hours. But instead, he only squeezes the boy in his arms for a second.

"Do you want a tea or something as well while I'm going to the kitchen either way?", Hyunjin offers. Half because he has the feeling that Seungmin is in dire need of some relaxation and half because making a cup of tea would give him an excuse to waste another ten minutes or so on something that is not studying. But to his dismay, Seungmin shakes his head.

"No, maybe later. I have something else I should really finish. But thank you."

"No problem. But don't stress yourself too much. Remember to take breaks, you look kind of tired."

Seungmin chuckles a little at that remark before he runs a hand through his hair again. He always does that when he is getting a little too stressed. One of the many habits that start surfacing when he is running on fumes. He also starts adjusting his glasses more or fidgets with his hands in his pockets. But Hyunjin knows that urging Seungmin to take a break won't get him anywhere. It's better to let the other boy finish whatever he feels like he urgently has to get done right now and then catch him once he is done and ready to let himself fall.

"Yeah, maybe because I am exhausted. I'm going to take a break when I'm done with this. Maybe we could do something together later? I don't know, watch a movie or something?"

"Hmm, sounds nice. I'll clean up this mess until then", Hyunjin promises. Seungmin gives him half of a smile before he walks off and disappears into his room. He leaves Hyunjin behind with an empty cup in his hand and an overflowing heart in his chest.

 

Later that night the two huddle together on the couch again. Hyunjin has actually cleaned up the room and he did the dishes. Not wanting to study really does wonders for his motivation to clean the place. Seungmin is sitting in one corner of the couch and Hyunjin is lying draped over the rest of it. His head resting in Seungmin's lap while his legs are hanging over the edge, feet dangling back and forth just a bit above the ground. When he stretches a little he can touch the soft carpet with his toes. Actually, the couch is way too short – or Hyunjin just way too long – for him to lie on it like this but that has never stopped him. And Seungmin isn't complaining about him taking up that much space either. He just softy runs his fingers through Hyunjin's hair while he stares at the screen of their small television. They put on some random movie neither of them is really that interested in and Hyunjin is only half paying attention. For the most part, he just keeps his eyes closed and enjoys the way Seungmin's fingers softly comb through his hair while his nails lightly graze his skull.

"Hey, what was that song you were singing earlier?", Seungmin asks out of the blue. Hyunjin blinks his eyes open again to find that Seungmin also isn't looking at the screen anymore but instead looks down on him.

"You heard me?", Hyunjin asks back instead of replying. Suddenly his heart is racing in his chest and he can't really pin it down to one reason in particular. Part of it is probably panic but he's not dumb enough to believe that that is all there is to it. Seungmin shrugs.

"Only a little, when I came in. The melody is really catchy. I don't even know the song but I can't get it out of my head anymore." Seungmin begins silently humming what he remembers of the song. The chorus part. The part where Hyunjin changed the lyrics. And Hyunjin takes his sweat time answering because it gives him an excuse to drown out all other noises and just listen to Seungmin's humming for a moment. Because his voice is so warm and soft and gentle. Honey-coloured. And even when he is humming a song he doesn't know he somehow manages to hit all the right notes and make it sound better than any singer ever could. Seungmin's voice is definitely one of Hyunjin's favourite things about his friend. Right after the nice smell of his hair and the cute smile he gives Hyunjin sometimes when he's in high spirits after receiving a good grade or when one of his favourite songs comes on and he turns up the music a little to sing along.

"Ah, that's Let's Go Picnic. By George", Hyunjin finally answers. Seungmin softly hums while he takes out his phone. Probably to look up that song and add it to his playlist or something. With one hand he is holding his phone, the other one is still entangled with Hyunjin's dark locks. But suddenly Seungmin's fingers stop moving.

"That's weird", he mutters more to himself than to Hyunjin. He is squinting at the screen and Hyunjin can guess what's happening even before Seungmin says it.

"Is there another version of it? Like a female cover or something like that? I could have sworn I heard you sing it differently earlier."

Hyunjin takes a deep breath in and thinks for a moment. He could lie. He could make up something about liking a female cover version with changed lyrics. Or he could simply claim that Seungmin must have misheard him earlier. And probably the other boy would buy it without even questioning. But for some reason, Hyunjin decides to go for the truth instead.

"No, I just changed the words myself. I always do that. I always sing about boys." Hyunjin isn't sure why exactly he adds the last part but now the words are out already and he can't take them back anymore. His explanation is followed by a moment of silence. Well, as silent as the room can be while the TV is still playing in the background. But Seungmin is completely silent and Hyunjin stays quiet as well. Except for his heart that is beating so loudly that he is sure that Seungmin can hear the _thump thump thump_ as well.

"That's okay, you know. That you are into guys, I mean. Well... if that is even what you were saying at all."

Hyunjin almost lets out a small amused huff at the words. Because he is not just _into guys_ he is infatuated with them. He falls in love with them. He wants to hold hands and kiss them and go on stupid cute dates and wear matching hoodies and grow old together. He is so much more than just _into boys_ but at the same time, he is too relieved to actually bother and explain that to Seungmin right now. Because he never expected that things could be so easy. That he could just admit what he feels and have Seungmin just accept it like that. With no questions asked.

"I guess I am", Hyunjin says. Seungmin hums softly and his fingers begin moving again gently. For another moment they just bask in the comfortable silence that follows before curiosity takes over and Hyunjin asks a question even though he should know better.

"What about you though? Do you like girls?"

"I don't think I've ever really liked anyone", Seungmin huffs. Hyunjin chuckles a little and so does Seungmin for a moment until he suddenly becomes very serious again. "I mean, I obviously don't hate everyone. But I have never really _liked_ anyone in that way. I'm just not interested in dating or anything like that. Also, I usually take a very long time to really get comfortable around a person and I feel like most people just aren't worth that effort."

"You are comfortable around me though", Hyunjin says. He words it as if he's stating a fact but actually, he means it as a question. Because even though he has his head in Seungmin's lap and Seungmin's fingers in his hair he still wants that extra bit of confirmation. He wants to be sure that this is okay. That this is right. Seungmin laughs.

"Yeah, because you are special", he replies in a soft tone. And Hyunjin doesn't dare to ask what exactly that means. Because hope is a dangerous little thing that he shouldn't be toying around with. And they don't really talk about it again after that. But Hyunjin is sure that Seungmin adds Let's Go Picnic to his playlist after that night. At least he catches him listening to it a couple of times in the following days. He's always singing the wrong words. And yet it sounds so right.

 

On the first weekend after both of them have finished all their exams for the semester and handed in all of their assignments Seungmin decides that he needs something like an image change because he is sick of the old lady at the supermarket asking him for an ID all the time or the other students on campus treating him like someone's lost younger brother. So they go out together to buy some bleach and hair dye. Hyunjin volunteers to help Seungmin dye his hair even though he doesn't really know how to do it either. But they will go through this process together. Seungmin picks out a cherry red after Hyunjin spends almost ten minutes convincing him that the colour would look amazing on him and really make his eyes stand out.

And so about an hour later, they both end up sitting in their cramped bathroom. Seungmin is sitting in the shower wearing nothing but a pair of old sweatpants he borrowed from Hyunjin and a towel around his shoulders. And he refuses to get out because he is afraid to accidentally leave some stains of the red hair dye on their white walls that they would never get out again. So Hyunjin is sitting on the cold tile floor in front of the shower. There is a timer on his phone to remind them when they have to wash out Seungmin's hair again and until then they are just talking and letting some music play. There is this band that Seungmin really likes and Hyunjin has a couple of their songs saved in his playlist. He likes them as well. Mostly because Seungmin always smiles brightly whenever one of their songs play and he always starts singing along no matter what he is doing at the moment. But he also likes them because they make really nice music. And a lot of their songs don't even have words he would need to change. Because they are always just singing to a _you_ that could be just anyone.

 _This is a song for you, oh I'm singing for you_ he and Seungmin sing perfectly in sync and almost harmonizing a little with each other. And it's then that Hyunjin decides that maybe he really is singing for Seungmin. Not just this particular song right now but maybe every song he has ever sung the wrong words to in his whole life. Even though he maybe shouldn't. Because boys are not supposed to sing about other boys like that. But maybe it doesn't matter what he is supposed or not supposed to do. Because Seungmin is smiling at him and maybe he is singing for him as well.

When they wash out his hair and dry it later the colour looks just as fantastic as Hyunjin had predicted and Seungmin seems satisfied with the result. The colour really does bring out his eyes. And it makes him look like a cute little cherry. His hair is all soft and fluffy after the treatment and it smells a little different now. The scent of the hair dye and the special conditioner mixing in with the normal smell Hyunjin is used to. It's different but pleasant and when they cuddle up on the couch later Hyunjin nuzzles his nose into the freshly dyed hair and inhales the scent.

 

It's a couple of days after that when Hyunjin finally comes to the realisation that he has been harbouring feelings for Seungmin. Even though at this point it is probably already too late to speak of a harbouring crush. At the point where he is ready to admit it to himself, he has already fallen in love with Seungmin. Head on and completely. He is not sure what exactly prompted the realisation. And maybe there is not even one single event that leads him to finally coming to term with his feelings. It's rather an accumulation of all the little things, all the small moments together with Seungmin that he has gathered up in his memories. All the nights they spent watching boring movies on the couch, all the mornings where Seungmin comes to wake him up because the boy is usually awake at the crack of dawn while Hyunjin would probably sleep through several alarms if it weren't for Seungmin. All the moments that belonged to just them. But maybe they all find their climax one lazy evening when Hyunjin sneaks up on Seungmin in the kitchen and jabs at his sides in a surprise attack to tickle him. Seungmin yelps and almost drops the spoon he's using into the vegetables he's stirring in the pan. But he doesn't complain. And he doesn't move away. He just leans his head back for a moment to rest it against Hyunjin's chest. He changed his shampoo after he dyed his hair. He's using some special conditioner now to preserve the colour because apparently red washes out quickly and he wants to keep it shining. There is a hint of coconut to it and it's different but Hyunjin likes it a lot. But then Seungmin moves away again to tell Hyunjin to make himself useful if he's going to hang out in the kitchen and bother him either way. And that's when Hyunjin goes into a five-second panic because he realises that even though Seungmin is still standing right there in front of him he misses him. He misses being close enough to wrap his arms around him from behind and smell his hair. And that is definitely not a platonic feeling.

Ultimately Hyunjin also comes to the conclusion that it's best if he doesn't act on these feelings. Especially not after Seungmin told him how he usually has a hard time getting comfortable around people. And Seungmin is very comfortable around Hyunjin. Because he doesn't mind Hyunjin cuddling him and clinging to him when usually he would push any other person away. And he lets Hyunjin rant to him about everything without ever interrupting even if it's already in the middle of the night and he has an early lecture the next morning. He even got Hyunjin that cute phone case for his birthday with the bad pun that matches the one he has. And if just getting over that dumb crush is what it takes to preserve what they have than Hyunjin would do it gladly. He doesn't want things to change between them. He doesn't want to lose what they have.

But what Hyunjin fails to realise at first is that change begins when he decides that he doesn't want for it to happen. Because suddenly he is more hesitant with when and how he touches Seungmin. He doesn't jump him for surprise back hugs anymore because do friends even do that? And when they are watching a movie together Hyunjin curls up in his own corner of the couch because isn't that how it's supposed to be? Isn't that how boys are supposed to behave? And so Hyunjin stops singing out loud once again. Because he is no longer just singing about boys. It's no longer just the concept of loving a boy that he is romanticising. It's not just boys it's _a boy._ Every song Hyunjin sings he dedicates to Seungmin. So maybe it's better if he just stays quiet.

 

Of course, Seungmin notices. It's almost comical how quickly he catches on to the way Hyunjin is tiptoeing around him. It doesn't even take him a week until he is knocking on the door of Hyunjin's room late in the evening when it's beginning to get dark outside and they would usually hang out together to eat dinner or maybe watch a movie or anything. But instead, Hyunjin is locking himself in his rooms with headphones covering his ears that are not plugged in anywhere because there is not a single song he wants to listen to right now. He pretends to not have heard the first knock on his door. But when Seungmin knocks again Hyunjin sighs and slides the headphones off before he calls out a mumbled: "Come in."

Seungmin pushes the door open halfway and then remains in the doorframe, apparently with no intention to come in. For a moment he just stands there, one hand still on the door handle as if he is clinging to it for support to keep him standing upright. And he just looks at Hyunjin. And Hyunjin just looks back at him.

"Are you mad at me?", Seungmin finally asks to break the silence. And he sounds so sincerely concerned that Hyunjin can just barely control the reflex to apologise right on the spot. Because he isn't mad at all. If anything Seungmin should probably be mad at him. Apparently, the other boy has been wrecking his brain about why his friend suddenly started avoiding him for days now. He looks frustrated. But even more than that he looks sorry. Even though he did absolutely nothing wrong.

"I'm not mad, why would you even say that?", Hyunjin asks back weakly. As if he doesn't know what led Seungmin to believe that. As if he hasn't been avoiding him and acting weird around him. As if his struggle to not let things get awkward has not made everything incredibly awkward between them.

"I don't know, you've just been so distant lately. You don't even hug me anymore even though you used to cling to me like crazy", Seungmin mutters. He's running a hand through his hair. He does that when he gets nervous. Hyunjin swallows around the lump that is beginning to form in his throat.

"I thought you said that you didn't like it when I cling to you all the time", he says. He tries to force himself to chuckle as if it's just their usual banter but the sound that ends up coming out of his mouth sounds closer to a strangled sob.

"And I thought you were smart enough to know that I don't actually mean that", Seungmin replies. He finally lets go of the door handle and walks into the room. He stops just in front of Hyunjin's desk and hesitates for a moment. Finally, he settles for half awkwardly leaning against the table and half sitting on it while Hyunjin is still in his chair. It's one of the rare moments where Seungmin gets to look down on Hyunjin and if things where different he would probably make a teasing joke about it and ask Seungmin how it feels to be tall for once. But instead, Hyunjin stays quiet and lets Seungmin give him a contemplative glance from above. And he's still looking so much smaller. It's cute. He's cute. A little bit like a puppy.

"Honestly though, what's up with you? You've been acting weird."

All Hyunjin can reply to that is a half-hearted shrug. "I've just been thinking about some stuff", he decides to add after a moment of awkward silence. _Stuff_ is broad enough to possibly mean anything and he knows that Seungmin usually doesn't poke into it when he knows that Hyunjin is not ready to open up about something.

"Do you wanna talk about it? You know you can." The look on Seungmin's face is nothing but well-meaning. There is nothing but concern for his friend in his eyes. No second thoughts. No underlying motives. That's what's different about them right now. Hyunjin shakes his head.

"I'd rather not", he simply says. And Seungmin nods slowly because he's going to accept that without question.

"But you know you can always find me if you change your mind", he adds after another moment and Hyunjin manages to give him a smile that he hopes looks more thankful than sad. But he's not sure if he is really succeeding at it.

"Thank you", he says to really make sure he has convinced Seungmin that everything is alright. And maybe he's really succeeding this time. At least Seungmin gives him a small smile in return.

"So are we good?", he asks and this time the small laugh that escapes Hyunjin is almost genuine. Even though the reason he's laughing is different from what it's supposed to be.

"We're good", he confirms. And Seungmin seems satisfied with that.

"Hug it out?", he offers. And Hyunjin jumps up from his chair to envelope Seungmin is his arms like it doesn't make his heart beat out of his chest. And this time he is pretty sure that Seungmin hears it. Because he's burying his head in Hyunjin's chest while he hugs him back tightly and softly exhales a breath he must have been holding. And his shoulders slump slightly when Hyunjin, in turn, nuzzles his nose into Seungmin's hair and lets himself get tickled by the red curls. And Hyunjin knows Seungmin well enough to interpret that as a sign that he is comfortable right where he is.

 

"Hey, can I ask you something kind of weird?", Seungmin speaks up all of a sudden. Hyunjin blinks open his eyes to look up at Seungmin and finds that he also isn't looking at the movie they picked out half an hour ago anymore. Instead, he is looking down at Hyunjin who has his head in his lap. Yeah, they have gone back to this, because Hyunjin is an idiot and if he just keeps telling himself that he is perfectly fine with the way things are and that having what he has now is more than enough he'll maybe start to believe it at some point.

"Hit me with your worst", he says with no hesitation at all. Usually, when Seungmin says that he wants to ask something weird the question he ends up asking isn't weird at all. At least not to Hyunjin who just shrugs up most weird ideas with a _sure why not, let's do it._ The last time Seungmin announced that he wanted to try something weird was when they ended up dyeing his hair. And that wasn't weird at all. At least not to Hyunjin who may have never actually dyed his hair but it a huge supporter of colourful hair and experimental fashion choices. So he doesn't really expect much even though Seungmin is biting down on his bottom lip as if he is contemplating very hard whether or not to ask a difficult question.

"Would you kiss me?", he finally puts in the room. The words hang in the air for a moment and Hyunjin tries to grasp them like they are some abstract painting he is squinting his eyes at to try and figure out what exactly the artist tried to depict. It takes a moment for the words to really hit so Hyunjin's reaction is prolonged by a couple of seconds.

"What the fuck?", he bursts out. He is sitting up so suddenly that his head is spinning and he almost slaps a hand over his own mouth as if a stupid curse word is his biggest problem right now. Seungmin next to him is kind of fidgeting around awkwardly, his cheeks are coloured crimson. Almost the same colour as his hair.

"Listen, I know that this is probably really weird but I just kind of need to confirm something", he explains. He's kneading his thighs while he is speaking. His eyes keep jumping around the room and he talks as if he's fumbling for every single word. "I've started feeling kind of _weird_ around you. I don't even know how to describe it. It kind of started when you were somewhat ignoring me some time ago. Actually it probably already started way before that but that's when I really started to notice. Because I was missing you so much during that time. And that's so weird. Because it's not like you went anywhere. You were still right there. You just weren't giving me all of your attention anymore and you weren't clinging to me anymore and I just missed that so damn much. And I think that I like you. As in really _like_ you."

"I thought you said that you don't really like people that way", Hyunjin says. Because a tiny voice in the back of his mind is warning him that this is all just a dream. And a really cruel one at that. He can't believe that this is really happening. Refuses to believe it. Because it's just not possible. Seungmin sighs.

"Yeah, but you are special. I can't really explain it. And I don't have anything I can compare this feeling to because I have never felt anything like that for anyone before but I think I might be in love with you."

Hyunjin takes a deep breath in and tries to gather his thoughts. His head is still spinning and he can no longer blame it on the dizzy feeling from getting up a little too quickly. His heart is racing in his chest and even though their movie is still playing in the background all he can hear is static buzzing. And Seungmin.

"Please tell me that you are serious about this. I've liked you for so long I don't think I could take it if you don't actually mean it", Hyunjin pleads. Seungmin flinches a little but then he reaches out a hand and places it on Hyunjin's thigh. It's oddly reassuring.

"I'm serious. Really, really serious", he says. And Hyunjin believes him. Because he wants to believe him so badly. He begins nodding frantically while he stretches out his hands to cup Seungmin's pretty face with them but he stops mid-air.

"Wait, if you say that you have never really liked anyone this way before, have you... have you ever kissed someone else before?", he asks. Seungmin hesitantly shakes his head but he interjects before Hyunjin could even open his mouth to voice his concerns.

"I wouldn't want it to be anyone else though. Please, you don't even know how much I want this."

"Are you sure though?", Hyunjin asks. Because he just has to ask again. Seungmin rolls his eyes.

"Are you purposely trying to make me question myself?", he asks back. And Hyunjin almost laughs at that but the whole situation is so tense. And his hands are still hovering in midair. Halfway to cupping Seungmin's face so that he can lean in for a kiss that he has been dreaming of for so long. But now that it's suddenly offered to him he's not sure if he's actually allowed to have it.

"Maybe you should be questioning this more", Hyunjin says. As if there is anything that could stop them right now. They have crossed a line and they can't go back. Even if he doesn't kiss Seungmin right now he already told him, that he liked him. There is no going back.

"And maybe you should stop thinking and just kiss me already", Seungmin replies with a lopsided smile. "Please", he adds, a lot softer. "Please, can you just kiss me?"

And it's probably the way the question is worded that finally gets Hyunjin moving. Because it's exactly the other way around from how he is used to hearing it. Usually, people always ask if they can kiss him. They wait for him to give the go-ahead so they can do whatever they want. But Seungmin is asking to be kissed. And he wants Hyunjin to do it. His hands finally move and cup Seungmin's face. But he's not really sure how to proceed from there. Not sure if he should close his eyes and then lean in slowly. Seungmin closes his eyes pretty much the second Hyunjin's long fingers touch his soft skin. He's even puckering his lips up a little. And it looks so ridiculous that all the tension suddenly falls from Hyunjin's shoulders and he chuckles.

"You look silly", he says. Seungmin's eyes fly open again and he opens his mouth to protest but Hyunjin cuts him off before he could say anything and catches the complaint with his own lips. Hyunjin swallows the tiny gasp Seungmin makes when their lips melt together and for a moment they both freeze in their place. But then Seungmin's fingers find their way in Hyunjin's hair and he is kissing him back. It's a little awkward at first. Noses bumping when they try to find the right angle and both of them silently giggle against each other's lips. The small vibrations of Seungmin's laughter are directly transferred to Hyunjin's own trembling lips. But they find their pace. And even though they are hesitant at first they soon start clinging to each other, gripping hold of everything they can reach as if they are desperate to claim every little piece of the other. Seungmin has a hand full of Hyunjin's hair and Hyunjin two fits balled into Seungmin's shirt. They stumble over each other in an attempt to get as close as possible and when Seungmin more or less climbs into Hyunjin's lap, Hyunjin falls back onto the couch and drags Seungmin down with him. And yet they don't separate. They continue kissing even when their backwards fall clashes their faces together almost painfully and makes their teeth click together. They don't even care. At this point, they are not just kissing. They are breathing each other in. Clinging to each other. Trying to take all they can get. Make up for everything they didn't do earlier in one frantic moment of overflowing emotions. Seungmin is the first to move away again. For a moment he is just looking down at Hyunjin his eyes sparkling with wonder. And then he leans in again to close the distance. And this time he is the one kissing Hyunjin.

 

They are sitting on the bathroom floor while they are waiting until they can wash Seungmin's hair dye out again. Well, Hyunjin is sitting on the floor. Seungmin is sitting in the shower and refuses to get out because he's still worried about getting stains anywhere and this strategy worked out well the first time they did it so they might as well use it again for touch-ups. Seungmin is wearing an old pair of sweatpants – that actually belong to Hyunjin – that are old either way and thus can take a couple more stains and a baggy t-shirt – also Hyunjin's – that makes him look even smaller. His hair is sticking to his head with the red hair dye they massaged into it. There is a small stain of it on Seungmin's right cheek where Hyunjin must have accidentally touched him while kneading the colour into his roots. Hyunjin fantasises about reaching out a hand to wipe away the stain with his thumb. But he would probably only end up smearing it more. So instead he keeps swiping through his music library to find something they can listen to.

"Hey, go back, I like that one", Seungmin suddenly interrupts. Hyunjin had swiped through the last couple of songs without even really looking at the titles because once he gets into the habit of swiping everything away after the first few beats he kind of stops paying attention until he randomly stumbles upon a song that compels him to stop. Or until Seungmin tells him to go back. Without questioning, Hyunjin goes back to the song he just skipped and he can't control the small smile when he reads the title.

"You're such a sap", Hyunjin comments and Seungmin rolls his eyes at him. Neither of them would actually call this one their song. At least not out loud. But Hyunjin is pretty sure that they are on the same page about it being _that_ song for both of them. Somehow it still feels weird to Hyunjin to have things they can call theirs now. But it's a reality he loves to get used to. And he loves watching the collection of things that are _their thing_ grow bigger. Movie nights, that one place they like to order food from, back hugs and splatters of red hair dye. And Let's Go Picnic by George.

"Oh shut up, as if you didn't just whine for five minutes about how my hair is going to smell different later because of the dye and how you feel weird about that because my hair usually _smells like home_ ", Seungmin fires back. He even has the audacity to draw little air quotations around the last part and stick his tongue out for a second to mock Hyunjin's struggle. Hyunjin huffs but at the same time, he leans forward because he just wants to squish Seungmin's cheeks and kiss him so badly. Seungmin pushes him back gently.

"Not while I still have dye in my hair", he says and Hyunjin falls back with a groan before he goes to check the timer on his phone again. Another five minutes until they can wash out the dye. So that's at least another seven agonizing minutes until he is allowed to run his fingers through Seungmin's soft hair again. And all Seungmin does is chuckle a bit before he begins singing along to the song softly. And Hyunjin joins him. They have changed the words once again. And they are still wrong but they feel even more right than ever before. Because Hyunjin is not singing about boys. Not secretly singing for one special boy. He is singing to the boy right in front of him. And Seungmin is singing the same wrong words back at him. Because who cares if some say that it's not supposed to be like that? That the song was not intended to be sung like that. They will continue singing their version nonetheless. Because it's the right version for them. And in the comfort and safety of their bathroom, they don't have to worry about anyone else listening in on them. And even if anyone else hears, it doesn't matter. Because Hyunjin is singing only for Seungmin. And Seungmin is singing only for Hyunjin. And they'll change the lyrics and bend and shape them until they fit them and let the word boyfriend echo off the walls when they reach the chorus and their voices harmonise to declare their love for each other with their rewritten version of the song.

 _Let's go picnic with_ my _boyfriend_

 

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for making it all the way down here! Comments, kudos and all other forms of feedback are greatly appreciated :3  
> You can also find me on [Twitter](https://twitter.com/writteninspring) or [tumblr](https://spriingflower.tumblr.com/) if you want to.
> 
> Edit: This story is currently being translated into Russian and I'm super excited about it!!! https://ficbook.net/readfic/8427985


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